Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Church


     In theory, church seems like it should be a really enjoyable experience. I mean, it’s supposed to be a community coming together to share in a celebration of their deepest beliefs. It should be like a big party hosted by God.
     But it ain’t. You just sit on wooden seats and listen to somebody else talk for a while. Then at the end you get a little wheat disc. When I was a little kid I used to bring a book with me and read. The day my mom told me I couldn’t do that anymore was one of the saddest days of my life.
     Think about the origins of church services. Jesus broke bread with his disciples at the Last Supper and said, “Do this in memory of me.” Why do we assume that he meant anything besides, “Go out to eat with your friends”? I’d be down for doing that every Sunday.
     My ideal church service would be like a big brunch. Everybody gets together to chat about stuff and eat pancakes. (Still discs, but not as small or wheat-based.) Play some gospel music over the place’s sound system, and maybe at the beginning have the priest propose a toast to the Lord. Have the waitress bring a collection basket instead of the bill.
     Give this some thought, Your Holiness. Taking Latin out of the mass was a step in the right direction. Now we just have to add some maple syrup. I’ll admit, people’s scriptural knowledge might be somewhat reduced. But at least parishioners would stop by on days other than Christmas and Easter.

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