Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Fly Will Not Gap

An Open Letter to the Hanes Company:

I am writing to express my extreme displeasure with both your product and your company’s affiliates. Recent events have convinced me that at the very least I must discontinue my patronage, if not pursue legal action.

My frustration stems from a package of Hanes boxers which I discovered at my local clothes outlet on July 12. A sticker on the package promised, “FLY WILL NOT GAP,” just above the promise of a “Money Back Guarantee.” Having waited most of my adult life for an undergarment which would resolve the “gappage” issue, I immediately purchased the item.

I then put your product to its only valid use: On a particularly muggy day, I went for my usual neighborhood stroll, but this time I wore no more than a pair of sandals and a pair of the afore-mentioned boxers, confident that my private affairs would remain concealed.

Needless to say, the fly at some point gapped, and I was apprehended by a local patrolman. Your product had failed me.

Shortly after I posted bail I returned to the site where I had purchased the boxers and demanded fulfillment of your “Money Back Guarantee.” However, my attempt to demonstrate the product’s obvious defectiveness to a Customer Service employee earned me another indecent exposure charge.

I am currently attempting to convince my court-appointed attorney to represent me, and the presumably countless others traumatized by your product’s failure, in a class-action lawsuit. I expect to receive $3,000,000 in compensation for emotional distress, damage to my reputation, and legal fees, as well as the $13.78 refund promised by your advertising.

First and foremost, however, I want you to understand that you have created a gap not just in the fly of your product, but in the trust of your customers.

My lawyer should be contacting you shortly.

1 comment:

Samuel Greenberg said...

I'm always disappointed by the lack of realism that has sunken into the end of all your stories lately.