Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Sign My Petition and Keep Cannibal Mutants Out of Washington!

This article originally appeared on Pegleg Spinners, 7/24/09.

A simple man.
A simple man

I'm a simple man. All I really want to do on this blog is make fun of obscure horror movies and share meaningless anecdotes. I don't think that's so much to ask. Yet it seems there's always something stupid going on in the US that forces me to get off my duff, click the "Political" category tab and take a stand.

In this case the match to my powder keg is the "birther" movement, which is kind of like a bowel movement except more disgusting. Birthers are the people who claim, against all available evidence, that President Obama was not born in the US and therefore is ineligible for the presidency. This is wrong on many, many levels, but the worst part of the whole issue is that it distracts from the real threat America faces today: Republican politicians who may actually be cannibalistic mutants.

Rep. John Campbell (R - CA)--Artist's interpretation

Rep. John Campbell (R - CA)--Artist's interpretation

Now, I know a lot of you are going to say that there's never been any indication that members of the GOP gather at subterranean black masses and sip human blood to sustain their youthful figures. And that may be true. But think about this: No Republican politicians have ever provided proof that they are not monstrous ghouls that feast on the living, nor have any of them even denied such an allegation. What are they trying to hide?!

Loyal readers, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but the Republican/undead flesh-eater agenda is gaining a chokehold in Washington. Members of the Ghastly Old Party make up about 40% of today's Congress, and one of their numbers even managed to get himself illegitimately installed in the Oval Office.

But there is hope! If you recognize the threat that these subhuman hell-spawn represent to our way of life, then there is one thing you can do to stop them: Sign my online petition! It's free, it's quick, and it sends a strong message to America's leaders that we don't want representatives who will devour our children instead of kissing them in photo-ops. Act now, before the cannibals overrun the Capitol and the IRS knocks on your door asking for an arm and a leg--literally.

Still not convinced? What if I told you not only that Republicans are hideous abominations who will kill us and roast our corpses--but also that some of them, unlike our President, weren't even born in this country?!


And if some of you are thinking of leaving comments saying that we should be focusing on substantive political issues rather than outlandish conspiracy theories with no basis in fact:

Congratulations. You're sane. But sign the petition anyway, just for funsies.

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